There are two kinds of people in the corporate world: those who actually work, and those who are excellent at looking like they work. The former get burned out, get ulcers, and get "pizza parties" as compensation. The latter? They glide. They coast. They get promoted for "being proactive" while doing less than a screensaver in sleep mode.
If you’ve ever stared at a spreadsheet and thought, "I wonder if I can watch Netflix in this cell," this post is for you.
Inspired by Chris Morran’s brilliant book Hardly Working, which is basically a spiritual guidebook for the modern office slacker, here’s your field manual for surviving corporate life without ever breaking a sweat. Or a keyboard shortcut.
1. The Sacred Art of Spreadsheet Theater
Nothing screams "I’m doing very important stuff" quite like an Excel sheet.
Open a blank spreadsheet. Type "Q4 Projections" at the top. Fill some cells with random numbers. Apply conditional formatting like you’re Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Set one cell to flash red when it hits 47. Why? Doesn’t matter. It’s called "dynamic metrics" now.
Occasionally, sigh loudly and mutter, "These formulas are killing me."
Congratulations. You now look 300 percent more productive than Gary, who is actually working but wearing a hoodie, which makes him look suspiciously casual.
2. The "I’m in a Meeting" Illusion
Ah, the calendar invite. The holy grail of plausible deniability.
Want to disappear for two hours and watch cat videos in a supply closet? Send yourself a meeting invite titled "Quarterly Alignment Sync Touchpoint Strategy." Invite no one. Turn your status to "In a meeting." You are now unreachable. You’ve entered what scientists call the Excuse Vortex.
After your "meeting," walk back into the office looking mildly annoyed and mutter, "That could’ve been an email."
Boom. You’ve just leveled up to Office Philosopher.
3. Mouse Jigglers: Technology for the Chronically Stationary
You know what kills a good lazy streak? Microsoft Teams turning your status from green to yellow.
Enter: the mouse jiggler. This tiny USB device keeps your computer from locking or changing your status to "Away." You’re thinking. You’re strategizing. You’re just doing it with your feet on your desk and your soul halfway to Margaritaville.
Pair the mouse jiggler with a half-written Slack message like:
"Let me circle back to you with the data."
Data? What data? Doesn’t matter. They’ll forget you owe them anything within 48 hours.
4. The Walkabout: Wander With Purpose
Every great illusionist knows the power of movement. So take a lap around the office. Carry a manila folder. Walk fast. Nod at people like you’re late for a NASA briefing.
Optional accessories:
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A coffee mug (refill it every 15 minutes)
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A Post-it note stuck to your laptop that says "URGENT"
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Earbuds (even if they’re not connected to anything)
The key is to look just annoyed enough that people assume you're doing something stressful, but not so annoyed they ask if you're okay.
5. Headphones Plus Typing Furiously
Put on headphones. Even if there’s no music. Especially if there’s no music. Open a Word doc and just type. Anything. Grocery list. Fan fiction. Emotional haikus. Look up occasionally and squint at the ceiling like you’re solving a quantum physics problem.
To the untrained eye, you’re immersed in mission-critical analysis. In reality, you’re working on Chapter 3 of your steamy vampire detective novel titled Blood and Balance Sheets.
6. The Email Timewarp
Nothing gives off "I’m hustling" energy like sending emails at weird hours. Draft emails during the day, then schedule them to send at 7:12 a.m. or 9:38 p.m.
People will think:
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"Wow, they’re always on."
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"Do they ever sleep?"
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"Maybe they should be promoted."
You’ll be:
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Drinking sangria
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Watching The Great British Bake Off
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Absolutely winning
7. The PowerPoint of Perpetual Revision
PowerPoint: the opiate of the office masses.
Create a presentation. Any presentation. Title it something like, "Strategic Evolution Planning Framework." No one will question it. Use big buzzwords like "synergize," "impactful," and "leverage," even if the topic is basically "how to move staplers more efficiently."
Then spend the next two weeks revising it. Not changing anything meaningful, just moving bullet points around and adding animations so aggressive they could cause vertigo.
Every time someone passes your screen, mumble, "This slide isn’t quite landing for me."
8. Weaponized Slack Replies
Someone @mentions you? Perfect. Wait 3-4 hours. Then respond with:
"Just seeing this — good catch! Let me loop in [insert name you don’t like]."
You’ve acknowledged the message, deflected responsibility, and created a social paper trail. That’s corporate jiu-jitsu.
9. Keeper of the Buzzwords
Memorize 10 corporate phrases that sound like they mean something but are actually vague enough to apply to anything. For example:
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"We need to align on this."
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"Can we circle back next sprint?"
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"Let’s table that for now."
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"We need a north star."
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"Is this scalable?"
Use them liberally, especially when someone is trying to get you to do real work. Speak confidently and watch the room nod in unison as they collectively forget what the original question was.
10. Volunteer for Cross-Functional Non-Essentials
Sign up for committees that sound important but do nothing. "Culture Task Force." "Innovation Hackathon Steering Council." "Green Office Initiative Brainstorm Collective."
Your calendar fills up with non-threatening, vaguely strategic meetings. And during these meetings? You don’t work. You network. You joke. You make a suggestion about hosting a wellness goat-yoga day in Q3.
Boom. Suddenly you’re "the glue that holds the company together."
11. The Dual Monitor Deception
Dual monitors are not just functional. They are status symbols. One screen shows an enormous spreadsheet. The other is for your actual interests, like fantasy football or a tab titled "What If I Just Quit and Moved to Portugal?"
Quickly switch tabs when someone approaches. Say something about "refactoring the forecast for volatility."
No one will ask questions. They fear the data.
12. The Sticky Note Fortress
Cover your workspace in Post-its with cryptic notes like "DK → circle back" or "Plan vs. Actual → Q3???"
The more it looks like you're investigating a white-collar crime ring, the better. Bonus points if you occasionally stare at them and sigh like you just found the missing piece.
13. The Passive Email Ping
Send vague emails with subject lines like "Re: Open Items - Need Alignment."
You’ve now created a digital confusion tornado. Sit back and watch as your colleagues spend their day trying to decode what the hell you're referring to.
14. The "Printer Jammed Again" Escape Plan
Announce with urgency, "I think the printer’s jammed again."
People will clear the way. No one wants printer drama. Wander off, find a quiet place, scroll Instagram. Return 20 minutes later with a single paper and a haunted look in your eyes.
15. The Deep Frown and Scroll Combo
Open a massive PDF. Frown deeply. Highlight random passages. Tilt your head like you're decoding government secrets.
People will assume you are auditing financial projections. You are actually ranking your favorite episodes of The Office.
16. The Office Plant Obsession
Adopt a desk plant. Name it. Rotate it for sunlight. Mist it lovingly.
You are not procrastinating. You are nurturing life. You are the Office Botanist. Your coworkers will leave you alone, likely in awe.
17. The Strategic Cough
Cough twice in a meeting. Look tired. Say, "Not feeling 100 percent but powering through."
Mute your mic. Turn off your camera. You now have diplomatic immunity from follow-up.
18. The Chair Spin of Deep Thought
Spin slowly in your chair. Stare at the ceiling. Nod thoughtfully.
You look like you're solving systemic inefficiencies. You are actually debating whether to order Thai food or tacos.
Final Thoughts: Work Smart, Slack Smarter
We’re not saying you should never work. But in the great workplace safari, survival isn’t about how hard you grind. It’s about how hard it looks like you’re grinding. The true corporate animal conserves energy, avoids detection, and thrives in the shadows of spreadsheets and jargon.
You now have the tools to join their ranks. Walk boldly into your next fake meeting. Schedule those decoy emails. And remember:
Work is temporary. Coffee breaks are forever.
What’s your favorite “I’m busy” technique? Share it below — anonymously, of course. We wouldn’t want your boss thinking you’ve been reading blogs instead of “circling back on those deliverables.” 😉
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